...never shows its face.
I went to a show last night in New Berlin, felt out of place, but I knew everyone there. Not out of place, but I guess trying to escape a troubled pit I dug for myself. Erin, Emily, Sarah kept telling me to cheer up, to smile, on the same token told me I look like a wreck, and really miserable. The whole night I wanted drinks worst than I have ever wanted in a long time coming.
After that I went to a campfire, not meeting my expectation of my typical night lately, I shortly left there to surround myself with other friends. My day, my night went fine initially went fine in my mind. I felt as if I was understanding till I went and bought some smokes after leaving the bar shortly around two in the morning or so.
Fast forward to like 230-245 or so I broke down and cried in front of my best friends, my emotions got the best of me, and it all set in. Second big breakdown in those past 24 hours. That's a side of me few and far and in between see. It's usually one of the guys. In the midst of it all I found a greater understanding, a sense of clarity, and reason to not run from the best thing holding me together in life.
You know I'm smart, and I figure things out, and I'm one of the biggest over analytical thinkers ever in my circles, this time not even that far in, I felt defeated. Inadequate, a letdown, and a pure disaster, no longer an escape from reality, no longer an essence of pure happiness to let go of your worries with. I was the last thing a lover would want to be around.
I guess I'm not really as strong as I make myself out to be, few people are let in on this level, and for the reason of messing me up, I hate to get into situations like this. I can't deny my own feelings, my own emotions though, so inevitably one passes through the cracks.
We all have our vices you know, mine is the dreamers disease. There is no greater feeling than being thee most important person to another other than themselves. It's heavenly, it's bliss, and though it's an escape, it's a reality, and for someone that only grew up fatherless, an only child, a latchkey kid at best, lacking all the affection a normal person got growing up, it's the best feeling ever. The smiles come naturally, and the imperfections go out the window, and you know your with someone you'll take a bullet for, that will take a bullet for you. Loving you unconditionally, knowing you more than you want a person to know you.
I will tell you all that I'm fine, and I know this was the wrong week ever to get down to the nity grity, but when the thoughts are teetering on the edge of your tongue, you don't rationalize with the fact that you are pushing the envelope, the fact that it had already been pushed, you become defeated, you feel like you can mount an ant, and not having in power control or anything in your daily life.
In the end my biggest fear in life was once death, natural selection of the physical body, and realizing I wont be walking the earth in like 2183. Ive grew up and grew up from the silly idea of living forever.
Since then my biggest fear is always fucking up, and never amounting to the best thing ever in someone else's eyes. Really I'm complicated, and I'm confusing, but once you understand me, people can get beyond that. It's not that hard.
"
I've lived through days
I've lived through nights
I've had my loves
I've had my fights
You gotta know - You have my heart
"
