it's only a matter...

...of time before we fade out.

Thoughts invoked the seeker, and clarity made him a non believer. It was only a matter of time before the vibrance transcended to black and white. In his short coming he stood high upon his mountain, the silence wielded no beauty, and the rain was the only thing to grace his face and hands. In a sense chewing his own thoughts, his own words, only to spit them out, knowing IT will never be the same. Without a doubt, he could die, leaving behind a requiem only justifying he made an attempt and tried.

We can drift far from home...

...return to things we don't know.

***Invoke thought.

/hesitate

(sound of crickets)

Sunday @530am on the 8th of november.

I'm going to type what comes to mind right now, inserting personal censorship for my own well being, so technically I will type what I'm thinking, but in code to myself. Ah fuck it, this isn't going to work. (long sigh) /blank thoughts. Oh fucking great, what I thought to be an interesting blog post to myself will end up being read as shitty confusion.

Life and the path of things to come are intersecting at a speed a little fast for my likings. As I do though, I go with the flow, naturally. Practically giving enough thought to things that hold an undeniable weight to reality. I can safely say I'm happy and content with how things have been unfolding. The stuff that has been in front of my eyes for a long while, whilst others vaguely in focus. I'm connecting each experience in my head, making sense of the pieces that are slowly coming together.

Fuck I'll come back to this at a later point in time....

Through jaded eyes...

... it probably seems like nothing's wrong.

Due to a proposal that would allow me to slowly achieve my creative side, I think I'd be far worst off than I am now. What will become of that I am not sure, but I have far too much talent to let go to waste. It's all I have going for me, since I fail at the rest of life.

Sunday was terrible, the whole period of time prior to that was rough, that facade like I don't care but do care is slowly thinning. I know where I stand on how I feel, it just sucks a rational conversation couldn't of been had in person.

I was happy before this and I will be after this blows over. It's not until that split second where you cut your self so deep, you're just left with a gaping wound, without no one there to help you patch it up. You taste that bliss for what it was worth and maybe realize you should have opened up way sooner.

Wait it out or cut your losses, my whole life I wait for something to turn around, and it never does, memories become fleeting, feelings get buried, faces get blurry. Losses will not be cut though, this is far to great to run from after thinking about it, far to great to burn. This will just exist, suspended in time.

I'm sorry, I haven't felt this way in forever, and this was the first time I took something slow on the come up. Maybe if I didn't, I honestly would have let you in faster, and maybe it wouldn't of been so hard to figure me out, and maybe if you did allow yourself to take it slow, and get on my level, then maybe it would have it hit you like a truck. Truth.

Good luck on your en devour, maybe one day you'll realize you don't have to push for something so hard to regain something you have lost, and maybe I'll realize I should open faster than I do to regain that in which I have lost. Only if I could have told you how I really felt back in the start, only that I was too scared, and only cause I over analyzed so damn much.

There was a lot to learn from each other, and a lot that still could be learned, but the ink faded faster than it could be read.

I'm a moon that...

...never shows its face.

I went to a show last night in New Berlin, felt out of place, but I knew everyone there. Not out of place, but I guess trying to escape a troubled pit I dug for myself. Erin, Emily, Sarah kept telling me to cheer up, to smile, on the same token told me I look like a wreck, and really miserable. The whole night I wanted drinks worst than I have ever wanted in a long time coming.

After that I went to a campfire, not meeting my expectation of my typical night lately, I shortly left there to surround myself with other friends. My day, my night went fine initially went fine in my mind. I felt as if I was understanding till I went and bought some smokes after leaving the bar shortly around two in the morning or so.

Fast forward to like 230-245 or so I broke down and cried in front of my best friends, my emotions got the best of me, and it all set in. Second big breakdown in those past 24 hours. That's a side of me few and far and in between see. It's usually one of the guys. In the midst of it all I found a greater understanding, a sense of clarity, and reason to not run from the best thing holding me together in life.

You know I'm smart, and I figure things out, and I'm one of the biggest over analytical thinkers ever in my circles, this time not even that far in, I felt defeated. Inadequate, a letdown, and a pure disaster, no longer an escape from reality, no longer an essence of pure happiness to let go of your worries with. I was the last thing a lover would want to be around.

I guess I'm not really as strong as I make myself out to be, few people are let in on this level, and for the reason of messing me up, I hate to get into situations like this. I can't deny my own feelings, my own emotions though, so inevitably one passes through the cracks.

We all have our vices you know, mine is the dreamers disease. There is no greater feeling than being thee most important person to another other than themselves. It's heavenly, it's bliss, and though it's an escape, it's a reality, and for someone that only grew up fatherless, an only child, a latchkey kid at best, lacking all the affection a normal person got growing up, it's the best feeling ever. The smiles come naturally, and the imperfections go out the window, and you know your with someone you'll take a bullet for, that will take a bullet for you. Loving you unconditionally, knowing you more than you want a person to know you.

I will tell you all that I'm fine, and I know this was the wrong week ever to get down to the nity grity, but when the thoughts are teetering on the edge of your tongue, you don't rationalize with the fact that you are pushing the envelope, the fact that it had already been pushed, you become defeated, you feel like you can mount an ant, and not having in power control or anything in your daily life.

In the end my biggest fear in life was once death, natural selection of the physical body, and realizing I wont be walking the earth in like 2183. Ive grew up and grew up from the silly idea of living forever.

Since then my biggest fear is always fucking up, and never amounting to the best thing ever in someone else's eyes. Really I'm complicated, and I'm confusing, but once you understand me, people can get beyond that. It's not that hard.

"
I've lived through days
I've lived through nights
I've had my loves
I've had my fights
You gotta know - You have my heart
"

Today, Tonight, Tomorrow...

An old friend once taught me, if it's worth it, you'll take the risk, and you'll do whatever you have to do. It's about how you feel, how your partner feels, the emotional tension between you both. Whether or not those same emotions make you feel as small as an ant, or induce you with the capability to walk on sunshine. You fight and fix your way through what makes you weak, in that hopefully a mutual understanding occurs, an accomplishment is made, and you progress with a better attitude, an acknowledgement that you are and were stronger than what held you down.

At this rate, times are rough, and life happens...

And these cigarettes...

...are smoking you.

keep loving
keep breathing
keep living

For once in my life... I wish... I executed properly.

Money is the bane of my existence and I just throw it away. I have stuff that I need to tackle. I have stuff that needs to be addressed every single waking moment. I work a dead end job that promises progression within a faulted system of management in a corporate world that allows no mental/physical stimulation to evolve the growth of my very soul, my very being, my god forsaken existence.

I am
Creative
I am
Talented

I
Need
To
Take
Control

we love the hearts...

...but the hearts love us even more.

Each thought, each emotion, every single way of emitting any sort of expression to correlate the way I feel exists only in poofy little clouds. In which they float above me like I'm on the drawing boards to the movie of my life. I'm shutoff from my surroundings, a crab in his own shell, allowing ones inside that I deem worthy and important of my relations. As one may procure to grasp an understanding of how I feel, what I'm thinking, this may stimulate certain doubts. If you are in, you are in, and if you are out, well its sad and true, you're out.

The fact is, I'm in love with life, and the beauty that flourishes within my own world. With that the experiences that occur on a consistent basis's throughout the daily life I lead. Challenges occur that put doubt into my mind, for instance the idea that I may love life but not myself. That's just a fallacy in life I think, because if you didn't love yourself, you'd be dead.

Right now my mind is a jumbo blob of gluhhhh, and I'm just rambling, I need these thoughts for my own clarity.

you only get one taste...

...and for this gift we are graced.

Just hit play and accept that the movie of our lives feeds us in a direct forward progression. Never going in re-wind, nor jumping far ahead, just a series of present events that allow us to live in the current moment, building upon things we know, accepting things that will become. The outcome is never really clear, but with an ounce of hope, we can be reasonable with ourselves and work towards the best.

the smiles on the wall are waving goodbye...

Man I haven't posted in a while, I've been busy working, and doing some things, trying to get my life in order.

I finally have my Explorer back, I guess that's cool. As much as I think someone would ride shotgun in it with me, that really hasn't been the case.

Anyways, my life lead me on an uncertain path, not one I expected so suddenly, but did expect. An old friend once told me, if you want something, or love something, you'll fight for it, and it will all come naturally, and so long you stay on a postive track, without negative thinking, you are golden.

Sadly it's not all so golden, and I'm starting to think that train derailed years ago.

Maybe it's karma or something, and maybe I don't deserve things, but it makes me feel so gloomy, and like what the fuck.

It could be a sign, telling me to get on with life, but I'm fucking tired of getting on with life, as soon as I become comfortable with something, and I think it's all right. I'm stripped of the very things. It's like your not good enough, because if I was good enough, I don't think I'd be in a situation like this.

I don't know what to do, besides let it go, and be bitter, and be miserable, and just put on a fake smile like everything is alright, because it's not alright.

It may not seem like it to people, but I've been walking on sunshine for quite a while, now it's time to put on the rain boots, because it's about to rain, and rain, and rain, and rain.

Welcome back Frank, welcome back to the storm that stranded you here....

lately...

I just wish I could die at certain moments, it seems in those finer seconds, nothing else matters, and everything is alright.